Hey Teacher, Leave Them Monkeys Alone

For the last month monkeys have again ravaged the city of New Delhi in India. For years monkeys have made the news in that city, where urban development has quickly overrun much of the monkey's natural environment. Recent events elevated when a group of monkeys tussled with the deputy mayor of New Delhi on his balcony, causing the civil servant to fall, suffering head wounds that resulted in the politicians death a day later. Although active campaigns have been conducted by the city to remove the displaced animals, none have implemented with a clear indication of effectiveness.

The primary method enacted by the city has been to pay trappers for each monkey captured and relocated to a rural sanctuary. However, some speculate this separates monkeys from their families, leaving the ones who remain isolated, angry, and more likely to attack humans. In light of recent attacks on humans, including attempted kidnappings of infants, the next method may seem like a bad idea; that is the method of releasing larger, more frightening monkeys to scare off the ones who are already attacking humans. Despite that creative effort, the city still struggles in its predicament, with neither method remaining effective.

An average American might make an easy solution by discreetly ridding their city of the pests by hiring a "professional." You know the type, the John Goodman from the film Arachnophobia, someone with a nasty can of chemicals and enough tobacco spit to cover the city street corners with poison while setting bait traps. However, many of the human residents in New Delhi remain devout Hindus, and revere the monkeys as a manifestation of the monkey god Hanuman. So killing them is out of the question. Another idea might be forms of birth control, keeping the monkey population low while the older generation dies out. (the Rhesus macaques have an average of a 15 year lifespan in the wild).

However, these types of monkeys are known for their disdain of condom usage (it just doesn't feel natural) and their unabashed love of Barry White albums.

So, what is a modern city infested by Old World monkeys supposed to do? As politicians and scientists scramble for a solution, the monkeys continue to wreak havoc throughout Delhi, snatching candy from children, crowding the streets while begging pedestrians for peanuts, and leaving annoying fliers under the windshield wipers of parked vehicles to promote unknown bands. Many alternative solutions have been applied before when citizens faced this kind of an infestation. There is the story of the pied piper, who removed the rats from a terrorized town by playing Jethro Tull flute solos over and over. In the Tim Burton film, Mars Attacks, Martians were defeated by Slim Whitman yodeling the old operetta solo "Indian Love Call." For decades, droves of drunken wedding reception participants have been entranced and led around a room by the mystical leader of the conga line.

These past solutions pose a question. Does novelty music contain a magical quality to mesmerize the animals invading Delhi? Or does it simply take a Monkee to fight a monkey? Let's hope for New Delhi's sake, that Davey Jones, Michael Nesmith, Peter Tork, and Micky Dolenz are up to the task.

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